Happy New Day! And what a beautiful new day it is!
Sun is shining, friends are gathering for our Improv Theater event today and last night was epic in the Sound Zome.. we all sang and created beautiful music together. And I just found out it was recorded so I hope to share a clip of that perhaps tomorrow.
One of the big breakthroughs I had yesterday in relationship with Alexandria and Emma was in relation to how I approach intimacy. I have normally been pretty open with intimacy .. going where it felt more open and not really understanding the importance of intimacy in ‘deepening the fire’ ..
And so I would go and spread my fire all over the place.. creating intense flames of intimacy here and there but not always cultivating a fire in one place.. starting with one person.
One reason I resisted cultivating a fire in one place, in one relationship is that it felt somewhat limiting. I thought creating fires with multiple people was a safer route because there’d always be something hot going on somewhere. But this just created tension or even pain between all my relations.
Over the course of deepening in relationship with Alexandria I can see she is in the same place as me in terms of committing to and deepening the fire of our intimacy. So much so that it now feels unnatural to divide that fire by going to others and sharing that intimacy.
The one case that still felt difficult to navigate is how to share intimacy with Emma. We had all come together in the beginning and then shifted out of that and Emma still wanted to maintain intimacy with me directly. But I wanted to be true to the fire I was cultivating with Alexandria. So this was the challenge.
So yesterday we all had a deep conversation about it. At first it seems like there was resistance from Emma to sharing that fire with us. That she wanted to preserve some aspect of our relationship from before where we share intimacy directly and together only.
But through us all communicating through and realizing that the current paradigm is that a fire is being held by the two of us (me and Alexandria) and that fire can be joined .. but it must be joined (at least when it involves intimacy) through the three of us, in openness and harmony first. There was some resistance, frustration and even anger at times on the part of Emma but we persisted in our communications and eventually we broke through the resistance into deeper understanding and acceptance. This allowed all of our hearts to relax and drop deeper into each other.
The lesson that keeps reaffirming itself is that there is no “RIGHT” way to be in a relationship.. that you must discover and explore that together with your partner. And that relationship should not just be about tolerating or being ‘okay’ with some of the desires of your partner but that you should truly strive to find a common ground where you both are a “YES” to how you’re moving through life together.
The people you spend the most time with, and indeed a partner is someone you will spend the majority of your time with.. should have open communication and sensitivity a great deal of freedom to navigate life together. When this balance is just right – it can feel amazing.
Open communication about your desires is just as important as having the sensitivity for how you can navigate that together. Not rushing into something just because you desire it but finding a common ground where you can enjoy this life together. Learning patience and compassion along the way which really helps you feel safe so you expand your heart, and build a bigger fire together.
James Sunheart is a student of personal development and spiritual growth. He is passionate about optimizing people, systems and life. He’s written 7 books. Interviewed hundreds of experts. Given a TED Talk in France. Lives in Costa Rica while developing a sustainable eco-village. For opportunities email: James AT FullPotential.com