Good morning dear Full Potential Souls, living their life to the fullest!
Another beautiful day here in the mountains. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, I’ve got a green smoothie in hand and I’m happy to be alive!
So today I’ve been having a dialogue with a former partner of mine, she goes by “Joy” now, and we’ve been going back and forth taking a conscious look at what it means to be loving. To give love. To share love. To care at the deepest level. All the things that go along with having a very intimate and conscious relationship.
PUTTING ONE IN DEBT
One of the major dynamics we uncovered in our dialogue is how she learned a strategy early on of someone making her feel so in debt, that she would give them whatever they wanted. In my opinion, this is sort of the ultimate kind of manipulation because it comes masked in the appearance of love so it can be very hard to distinguish real love from loving behavior.
Loving behavior appears on the surface much how love might: hugs, kisses, appreciation, flattery, favors, gifts, acts of service etc. But if underlying all this behavior is some kind of indebtedness for that person to get what they want – none of it is actually coming from love. It’s dressed up to look like love, and it might feel good in the moment, but underneath it all there is a hidden motive. A debt to be repaid at some point.
I have experienced this kind of pattern before. People who seem so friendly and giving without asking for anything in return and then if they start trying to cash in on the debt they feel entitled to, they can snap and get very angry and act very differently when their ‘rightful’ requests go unmet.
So just seeing this pattern of manipulation, putting someone in debt to ultimately get what you want when its time to cash in on that debt — allows both to be freed from it. It only works if this calculating works in the shadows. Once it is seen for what it is, it loses its power. It takes a certain kind of courage and vulnerability for a person running this pattern to admit that it exists. Because once it’s exposed it loses its potency and any amount of investment that went into creating it in the first place is essentially lost as far as the Ego is concerned because now that invisible debt can’t be used to get what it wants.
So yes we have explored this patterned together, when we were in a relationship and now as we talk about it .. because even though we haven’t been in a closed relationship for almost a year.. there was some aspect of ‘cashing in’ that was still attempting to be done that didn’t feel good in my heart. And I have become more aware of my boundaries around this and not allowing that feeling to persist for even a second. Where before I think I was easily manipulated and eager to please, especially those I loved or felt deserved it.
But now I slow things down and tune into my feelings and if it doesn’t feel right I don’t proceed. And I voice the truth. Even when its hard.
Another little trick I’ve learned for being more emotionally intelligent is this: use a notebook as you’re listening to messages or in a conversation. Note down key points and respond to them thoughtfully in your own notes before responding to this person. Especially when you find yourself triggered by something. Only when you’ve fully expressed your idea on paper and it feels good to share, then start sharing it. This might seem like extra work but I can promise you it will save you countless time arguing or going back and forth with points unclear.
Additionally – it allows me to not have to carry so many points in my short term memory. Which is freeing up more mental energy for thinking clearly. When I note all the points as I go through each message, I feel a sense of relief that it is stored somewhere and I don’t have to try to hang onto every point while they are still talking.
So key points:
- Use a notebook when listening to messages or when in a conversation (especially a challenging one)
- Listen and write down key points
- If triggered, respond to a point fully in your notebook and wait until you feel good about your response before sharing it
- Respond with your completed thought point by point from a place of neutrality.
This might seem like such a simple solution to such seemingly complex challenge of communicating with emotional intelligence and harmony, but think I may have cracked the code! *wink*
Less stress, more harmony. Here we are!
Enjoy the rest of the day and I’ll see you tomorrow.
James Sunheart is a student of personal development and spiritual growth. He is passionate about optimizing people, systems and life. He’s written 7 books. Interviewed hundreds of experts. Given a TED Talk in France. Lives in Costa Rica while developing a sustainable eco-village. For opportunities email: James AT FullPotential.com