Normally I wake up at the crack of dawn and start doing my morning routine. I know exactly what I need to do and roughly how long it takes. I compete against myself to finish my morning routine as fast as I can or at least do as many items in a day as possible
Which can actually be quite a few things..
So normally when I get up I like to jump right to it and start knocking things off my list.
To the left is even the chart I use when on the computer to shade in with green as I move through my day.
Or I also use my “chipits” as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, which is really just chips with habits written on them and I move them from one jar to the next as I complete them.
The point is I really try to get as much done as possible in as short of a period as possible, as it relates to my personal growth, health, vitality and really just my overall sense of accomplishment.
But today I stayed still a little longer. I observed the energy within me that is also in the same place where I experience back pain.
I really just let my awareness grow on that spot and did my best to really relax.
At first it was quite difficult as all the momentum from previous days in me wanted to shoot for the stars today.
But as I continued to relax I noticed something. I noticed I wasn’t really feeding the fear by DOING SOMETHING.
By NOT DOING .. I was being neutral. And in neutrality, even though I could still feel the fear wanting to run.. I became conscious about whether I let it run or not. It was no longer controlling me – I was controlling it.
For the next hour or so I continued to settle in the peace of knowing I had the option of doing nothing out of fear. Which actually felt liberating.
There’s apart of me that judges doing nothing. That feels like idleness especially upon waking up is lazy. And that to do the maximum possible in the earlier hours of the morning is a mark of a truly ambitious person destined for the greatest success.
Today I fought the need to do out of fear.. I simply let myself be. And as I continued to rest deeper into that knowing that I didn’t need to do anything out of fear.. I became ever more present.
I was a bit disappointed that I wasn’t really experiencing anything but pain in my heart. Especially because I spend so much time focusing there. You’d think I would be an expert by now at feeling and expressing love – but I’m not. And that can feel frustrating, especially because I’m used to having control over nearly all aspects of my life. But the thing I want most – to experience love, not just in my mind or in appearances but truly and deeply in my heart, free from fear and pain, that eludes me most of the time.
So I asked myself the question, what if I could turn this pain into pleasure?
That simple question shifted me from focusing on the fear or pain I’ve become so familiar with, to simply allowing the possibility of it becoming more pleasurable in my heart. felt like I was asking the right question and my energy started to shift.
Around this time Luna my dog came by and was being so sweet. I wondered if she could sense my shift at all as it wasn’t too noticeable to me.
Then Sol our other doggie came. It felt like the space around me was shifting. I could see more of the surroundings, the sun, the beauty. Then Beka my partner came out and I could feel our resonance and I lost it and started crying as we sat by the river. I just couldn’t believe how fast the energy had shifted. All I did was make a choice to not do out of love, focus on love, cultivate love in my heart in that moment and reality felt like it was bending to this energy in my heart. And I was crying for no reason other than just struck by the awesomeness of it.
From here we sat making eye contact for several minutes. We had both intended to jump in the river but instead we were riveted by the emotion we were both experiencing and we just surrendered.
And although I vowed to do nothing out of fear.. it wasn’t long until I could feel fear returning as we were needed back at the house for a 10 o’clock meeting and I wasn’t sure if we had already passed that time.
I continue to feel hyper sensitive as I navigate my day and I don’t know what else to do but just keep returning to this intention of love no matter what happens or how many times I forget. And even if I don’t feel love.. to at least make the decision to do nothing if it feels like it might be motivated by some fear. And then from that pause make the better choice that feels like its coming from love. This is definitely the practice and all it takes is exercising this powerful WILL that we all have, and the more we exercise it the better we get at it using it.
I believe all this time exercising and doing my daily rituals , even if done from a kind of anxiousness to perform at the highest level possible has prepared me to pivot with this will power and discipline into deeper levels of love and peace. I wish you the same. Just make the choice – do nothing from fear (wherever possible), be very aware of what you’re feeling and keep asking to be guided by love.