Good morning on this beautiful new day. Breathing in the fresh air and feeling alive. Even though I’m a bit under the weather last couple of days I’m grateful. It has allowed me to slow down and experience life a little differently. I like when my clock speed is a little slower.. I can experience more of what I might usually miss.
So one new major insight I had that I would like to share is around depth of feeling versus the vehicles for getting there. What I mean is that I realized in all my relationships especially with romantic partners what I really desired was to go as deep as possible. And often that meant sex, but I had associated sex with being able to go deep and that’s why I really wanted to have sex as soon as possible. It meant that we were going deep and that’s something I really wanted to feel, a deep connection.
So when a partner or potential partner didn’t want to have sex I felt like they didn’t want to go deep. And on some level I felt rejected.. don’t they value, appreciate and respect who I am as a person? Don’t they want to go deep with me? Then why are they rejecting my attempt to go deeper?
The main reason why this had come up is because I was attempting to go deep, both intimately and sexually with more than one partner a kind of poly-amorous vision but with two former lovers.
TWO OR MORE DIVIDE ATTENTION FOR SURE
But over the last couple of days with everything that we’ve been navigating as a partnership / friendship and former lovership .. I have been exploring how to go deep with two at the same time and realize that what this brings up is a division of attention and energy that leaves neither feeling really special and making it difficult to go super deep with either, leaving them wanting that depth with another person .. at least in the case of Zenith who is now seeing another person and in the process I could feel our own depths were hard to achieve again.
Her choice to go deep with another left ME feeling less special and a little hurt. Which has made it challenging for me to open back up again and connect at the deepest levels we are capable of.
This pull back I’m experiencing isn’t even really a choice it’s an almost automatic shifting .. the inclination to pull back in the face of another connection feels natural. As if it would be most respectful to let her go deeper with this other person she was exploring that with.
Interestingly as this energy pulls back, I can see how much energy has been going out. This gave me back energy I was investing to maintain a bond and go deep. It also helped me to realize that sexual energy when used in the act of sex, helps develop these bonds. So that means that sex actually creates bonds that either require maintenance to sustain or can hurt when neglected.
BEKA RETURNS FROM PENNSYLVANIA, ZENITH GOES TO FLORIDA
So Beka recent returns from her trip in the US on almost exactly the same day that Zenith flies out to Florida to gather some of Zen’s things.
During the time that we have together over last couple of days I am able to drop in and go a little deeper with Beka again. I found myself desiring to be sexual to go deep but we both agreed it wasn’t the best idea to jump right back into it. And it was this spaciousness that helped me realize that I just wanted to go deep.
WHY HOLD BACK ON GOING DEEP?
I thought sex was the only way to get there. In reality that is what was creating uncertainty and resistance. The thinking that we needed to have sex and that if we didn’t we weren’t going as deep. And that was jut unacceptable to me that we weren’t going as deep and otherwise whats the point if you aren’t going as deep as you did and could? Why hold back on depth when it feels so good? Which meant to be why hold back in being sexual when it feels so good– but now I’m able to differentiate between the two. Why hold back going deep for sure. But pausing the sex button to re-establish trust and the proper bonds to make the experience of sex even deeper, makes sense!
ON DEPTH & SEX
Now that I have a greater understanding of depth vs sex.. I realize that I desire depth, realness in my connection and that I’m able to separate the sexual exploration and uncertainty that comes with it .. while it may be enjoyable to have sex to go deep, its not necessary.
And Now I can see more clearly how its a vehicle for going deeper but only when a certain trust has been built. And I used to think I wanted to have more sex and lots of sex because what I really wanted was deeper and deeper experience of heart and connection.. funny how I had associated it to sexual experience all this time (I’m 38 and started having sex at the age of 15) but now I have the clarity to see that
GOING DEEP WITH MYSELF
This has opened me up to realize that I can also go deeper with myself if I allow it and then I can be even more deeply fulfilled. Because you really can’t go any deeper with another than you’ve already gone with yourself. So if desiring to go deeper is what I ultimately want, the fulfillment I get from going deeper can be had with going deeper with myself. And the deeper you go with yourself the more deep and profound will be your connection with another!
You also won’t be in craving or feeling like you’re not as whole – like you do when you’re craving sex. If you are deep diving into yourself you’ll feel fulfilled and whole and sexual or romantic connection will just be an addition to the depth and wholeness you can experience from that place with another person.
What does it mean to go deep with the self? It means allowing yourself to feel, surrendering to your own feeling.. laying down, relaxing and feeling yourself and exploring yourself on the deepest level no matter what you’re feeling. Relaxing into what might feel intense at first, if this is the first time you’re allowing yourself to deeply relax through all your own resistance.
Going deep with yourself is just like having a relationship with yourself where you just accept and surrender and see what comes up from that. Just going deeper and deeper and finding any point of resistance you have to yourself and allowing that resistance to melt away as you go deeper and deeper.
The beauty in this practice is that you realize you truly are whole. You truly can experience the depths you desire within yourself and that sex is a nice but not necessary part of what one actually needs in order to go as deep as possible in connection: with self and others.
James Sunheart is a student of personal development and spiritual growth. He is passionate about optimizing people, systems and life. He’s written 7 books. Interviewed hundreds of experts. Given a TED Talk in France. Lives in Costa Rica while developing a sustainable eco-village. For opportunities email: James AT FullPotential.com