Dear Full Potential Beings. Thank you for being here today to read this post! I’m not sure how you found it but either you must be looking for it or today’s post was meant for you.
Today I sit here as a sovereign man. Willing to open his heart to the unknown. Not settling. Not accepting traditional paradigms.
All I know is that my mind is open. My heart seems open. And I am open to the mystery that is the universe and it feels like magic.
When we lean into security and safety as a priority we limit ourselves. These limitations can feel like security. But maximum security is also a prison.
So there’s a balance to how much security you need in your life versus how much you let the walls come down and experience the openness of life.
With no walls there is no protection. A breeze can come right through. And with walls, there is no breeze. The room can be so air tight the air is no longer breathable after a while.
Instead of choosing walls, or openness by default, I choose discernment – there is a time to be open. There is a time to be protected. There is a time to allow and a time to let go. There is a timing to everything in the moment.
In openness I am not actually openly seeking. I am open to connect. To love. To be loved. And open to someone leaving, when it comes to romantic partnership.
Does this mean I want them to go? No. Does this mean I want to leave? No. It just means I’m open and I don’t have to be chained to anything to stay. And nor do they.
The security we get from being bound to something is short lived. Because what do the chains represent? A denial of free will. For if we had free will we would break free from the chains. But the chains prevent us from exercising our free will. The walls keep us in something we wouldn’t otherwise stay in.
But if the walls are open and we choose to stay, we have exercised our free will. If there are no chains and we choose to remain in this space at this time, we are exercising our free will.
Is it scary to believe that someone could leave at any time? Yes, but death assures us of this reality. A person could depart at any moment. But since we cannot control death, do we at least attempt to control free will?
A marriage ceremony or love ceremony is a glorious celebration of love. The vows and contracts one might sign – is this also love? It is a declaration of commitment to something, a vision of how the love is intended to flow from the present.
But is there also any allowance for the introduction of new information? Is there any possibility that one might need to allow for some flexibility. Is it in integrity to suggest we will be together forever, when in fact our fate might be to separate at some point for maximum growth (and enjoyment perhaps)?
Are we doing ourselves a disservice attempting to construct an illusion for ourselves and the other that THIS will be permanent, when in fact it may not be. As uncomfortable as it is to suggest we may not be together forever, is this not the truth?
Is the declaration of intention different from a promise?
“My intention is to love you forever.” Is this statement different from “I will love you forever.” Yes. Which is more accurate from the present moment?
“My intention is to love you forever.” As the promise does not take into account all the variability of life. At best a promise is a very strong intention – that may not be true.
And so when we get down to it, at present we can only clearly state what we intend to occur. We can throw a party, have a ceremony and celebrate that intention. We can call it monogamy or polygamy or whatever we want to call it, as the configuration is up to you and your philosophy around how hearts can truly unify. And at the end of the day, we are all just declaring our intentions FOR THE FUTURE, the unknown future. That we cannot see or predict. BUT we know that we’ll be an agent in. It’s that future FREE AGENCY that we are doing our best to corral and focus, from a present point with this declared intention.
Essentially what it seems like we are saying is:
Dear future self, you might be tempted to leave. You might desire another. You might want a different situation. But I am binding you to this person. Your future wants are not as important as my present wants. Your future wants might be fleeting, but I am declaring in my present authority, that THIS want will not be fleeting.
I am declaring that THIS desire shall take authority over all other wants in the future! I will call it unity. I will call it commitment. I will call it merging. And even if we don’t fully unify, as we came to this existence in separate parts and we will leave this planet in separate parts, I still commit to this configuration for the rest of my life and will not consider any other information that might be to the contrary of this opinion. I declare I am not only in the highest authority but also in my highest wisdom when I make this statement.
Perhaps the present self is right. Perhaps this is the best decision. Perhaps giving this kind of authority and power to the present self is the best solution to living a happy and fulfilling life. A safe and secure life. One that offers the greatest amount of security and predictability. Isn’t that what the promise is all about?
Are we all just doing our best to secure something we really value – like LOVE? Or RESOURCES? Is it really love or is it a trap?
What if we give ourselves freedom and mobility in this life? What if we come and go as needed? What if we contrast our partnership with other lovers and even other loving partnerships and come back to each other? Could there not be more love, appreciation and even commitment when we come back? From a place of freedom?
And what if we have multiple simultaneous loving relationships? What if we have children with more than one partner? Are these ideas not compatible with love? With union? With divinity? Are we supposed to limit ourselves to be good with society and good in the eyes of god?
Granted if we have children we are ultimately responsible for raising them to be happy, healthy and empowered beings. So there is a limit to how many children we can be responsible for.
And in relationship we a limited amount of time, energy and money and relationships often require these things by default. So we are limited on how many authentic relationships we can actually deepen into.
But isn’t it true that as we deepen our love and we deepen our care for each other’s hearts, this causes us to focus naturally?
And yes over time there might be temptations and commitment helps us root down into clarity of what we’ve already promised for ourselves.
Finding the right balance between Safety & Freedom
On the one hand being in a committed relationship does help partners focus, and feel safe. In that stability you can plant deep roots. Go deep. Be extremely intimate and feel relaxed nothing is going to shock your nervous system tomorrow that might accelerate the need to change.
And in life there is no guarantees , and only control over yourself, so a certain amount of openness to anything including them leaving or death is necessary in order to be ready to adapt.
The benefit of commitment though is that the probability of death is less than the probability of finding a new attractive mate – so securing against promiscuity gives more certainty / safety / stability to the relationship.
On the other hand you don’t ever truly know what this commitment will look over time. You or your partner may change significantly over time. Even some major values can shift. The vision of how you want to live your lives. Or where you want to live. Isn’t freedom important in these cases? Freedom to separate might be necessary for you both to live in your more ideal version of life.
Yet I can also see how living in total freedom all the time offers no foundation for a relationship to be built upon. It offers maximum opportunity for pursuing other options when the relationship gets challenging. Or new ‘better looking at the time’ opportunities present themselves. This can be destabilizing to a relationship that is trying to build roots. And so total freedom means you can leave home at anytime and may never return. And that freedom might just be you exercising avoidance of some kind. Not necessarily love.
Trust is a necessary component to all of this. Trusting the person or people you choose to commit to sharing life with, shares similar values. And those values won’t change much. And they value you! And they care for your heart. And they want what’s best for you as much as they want what’s best for them. That they want to MERGE visions with you and support you as much as you support them. That nobody wants to take advantage of a anyone else. That everyone is in this for the highest synergy. And that it’s all going to work out for the best because the intentions are good / pure and aligned with the whole of the relationship.
The question really becomes, are we building the same thing? And have we defined what that is? Are we both willing to build this thing even when it’s challenging? Are we willing to sacrifice other things that might seem more attractive in the moment? Are we willing to not even go down those paths – and get distracted from what we are building here?
Exploring other paths offers the opportunity to gain additional information and insight, but it also distracts from the focus and energy necessary to keep building the ship we’re already working on. Do we trust that what we are working on is important enough to not get distracted? Are we willing to focus on it long enough to explore what’s truly here without distractions? Are we willing to focus for a lifetime if that’s what’s necessary?
The question then becomes how do we know we’re focused on the right thing, the right relationship, the right configuration of things. How do we know if this person or relationship is right for us? On some level we don’t. We choose. And then we can choose to make it more beautiful. It might be ‘right enough’ .. like choosing soil that feels ‘right enough’ to grow in. It receives sunlight, water and has enough nutrients to support life. To support our relationship. The basic ingredients are there. And from there, through our intention, we design and plant the seeds that will eventually grow and bear the fruit of our dreams.
The soil, sunlight and water represent the basic ingredients for a happy, successful relationship. In this context there might be many places where we could nurture a healthy relationship.
Choosing the ‘right’ place, like choosing the ‘right’ person isn’t as important as the intention of what you want to grow there. And that you both share that vision. And you both value what you’re growing out of the soil enough to see it through and not go plant anywhere else even when it’s difficult. Even when the thing of what you’re working together isn’t bearing fruit. Do you have faith? Do you share the vision? Are you willing to make compromises to see it through? Do you believe it will eventually yield fruit? Do you see signs that it’s already bearing fruit? Is it necessary to commit to this plot of land to ensure it gets sufficient resources to ensure its survival and thriving? Is it possible to manage multiple gardens at the same time and still get the same results as if you focused on one?
These are questions that only you can answer and decide for yourself.
For me this was an activity of creating more clarity through looking at both sides of the spectrum and looking at the questions that depending on how they are answered, move one to a certain position on the spectrum.
Quick side note: I hope you appreciate the new art I created with AI to better tell the story of this post. 🙂
James Sunheart is a student of personal development and spiritual growth. He is passionate about optimizing people, systems and life. He’s written 7 books. Interviewed hundreds of experts. Given a TED Talk in France. Lives in Costa Rica while developing a sustainable eco-village. For opportunities email: James AT FullPotential.com